Chapter 3 - Social-Emotional Regulation
What is Co-regulation?
Co-regulation is defined as the process in which adults support children in regulating their emotions by providing a safe, nurturing, and supportive environment as well as modeling self-regulation skills. Thus, resulting in building a strong foundation for children to develop their own self-regulation skills and emotional resilience.
What is a key factor in Co-regulation?
In order to effectively co-regulate with your child, you must actively manage your own emotions in order to model healthy self-regulation for your child. Children (Autistic children especially) feed off of others’ energies more than adults are aware. Thus, if you provide a safe, supportive environment and present with a calming presence when supporting your child in managing their BIG feelings, your child will naturally feel understood and more connected with you.
“You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.” - Brené Brown
Practicing Co-Regulation
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Safe & Supportive Environment
Create a safe space for your child to feel heard, understood, and connected with you. Be actively present and meet your child where they are at. Show them that you love and care for them and are ready to support them in ways that best fit their needs.
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Warm & Calming Presence
Use a calm tone and gentle voice to speak with your child so that they feel safe. Pace your words to model slowing down. Pay attention to your body language and offer physical comfort if needed or requested by your child.
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Validate Feelings
Use verbal acknowledgement to validate your child’s feelings and experience. Pay attention to the language you use. Try using supportive language similar to “I can see that was really hard for you” rather than “You’re okay”.
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Normalize Feelings
Use verbal acknowledgement to also normalize your child’s feelings and experience. Use supportive language to reassure your child that having big feelings is normal and everyone experiences it too. Remind your child that you are here for them and that they are not alone.
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Modeling & Coaching
Model a relaxed posture and sit with your child. Model slow and deep breathing and coach your child through it to help ground them. You can guide them by using language such as “Take a deep breath through your nose, now breath out through your mouth as slowly as you can”.
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Limit Language
Sometimes, “less is more”. It can feel overwhelming for your child if you use too many words such as asking questions. Your physical presence can be more calming than excessive language. Alternatively, you can try writing down your thoughts and options for your child on paper or a white board.
But what are some barriers to Co-regulation?
Overstimulating Environment
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When a child is overloaded with excessive sensory input when experiencing a big feeling, it may make it more difficult for them to manage their emotions. Minimize stimuli around your child or help guide them into a more supportive space.
Adult Dysregulation
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Children feed off of adult energies more than adults are aware. If you present with an anxious, upset, or frustrated presence, your child can tell. You can not effectively co-regulate with your child if you haven’t managed your own emotions. Pause, take a deep breath, and calm yourself.
Adult Emotional Escalation
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If your child is in a state of “fight or flight” and is presenting with behaviors as a result of their big feelings, respond with calm and empathy while setting clear boundaries. For instance, if your child throws items in the room, you can respond with “I can see that you’re really upset right now. It’s okay for you to be upset and angry about the situation, but we cannot break things”.